Expectations

Okay, so this has been swimming around in my mind for a few weeks now. I told myself I'd leave it there until my last week here and then post it, that it would make sense to post it then. But, it's just one of those thoughts that I didn't want to drown. I didn't want to lose it in the sea of my mind, and I know that if I don't say what I'm thinking now, I won't remember in eight weeks. So, here it goes.

I'm one of those people who is always thinking at least a year in advance. I'm always worried about the future, where and who I'm going to be. I hate not knowing, but worse than that, I hate knowing and not being sure if it's what I want. Right now, a year from now, I'll probably be right here in Cedar City posting another sappy blog about my random life. I'm okay with that. These past six or so months have shown that to me. Guess what, Katie's fine here. More than that, she's happy. She's thriving. Learning. Growing.

I can't seem to say enough about the experiences that I have had here. It's not been what I've expected, at all. Some days that scares me, but mostly it makes me so happy that my eyes flood with tears and I have to quickly advance my thoughts before someone sees. So, here's what I'm getting at. Even though we still have two months of this adventure left, I wanted to share what I've learned so far. I'll probably end up re-posting this during finals week, when I really wanted to post it to begin with.

I didn't expect to find a family. I never could have imagined the wonderful people I would find who would ultimately become so much more than friends. I never thought I would have people who would love me enough to hold me for hours while I sobbed because my heart had been broken, stay with me until I was calm enough to talk, go for a 2 a.m. ice-cream run, and then watch my favorite movie with me. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to meet people who I could really be myself around, the "real Katie" not the imitation Katie who tried to be perfect at everything and impress people. I never thought I could share my family, my fears, dreams, and quirks with people and still be loved.

I didn't expect to have a good friend become a best friend, and ultimately a lifeline. I didn't expect us to become some of those friends who are thought of as one unit. I didn't expect us to struggle though challenges and ultimately end up laughing at our craziness. I didn't think we'd be best friends, or see each other everyday. I didn't know she'd become the one person who would know me inside and out, and know exactly how to take care of me. I didn't expect it, but it's exactly what I wanted.

I didn't expect the one person who could comfort me that first week away from home would make me promise to stay. I couldn't understand why I would want to stay somewhere that had taken me away from my family. Somewhere where I had no one, and everyday was a constant battle with my heart to stop the tears. But, when the one thing I pined for most was my family, I allowed myself to be loved and comforted, and thus created a family away from home. I didn't expect to find a pseudo big sister who could turn my sobs into laughter and help me to become happy here. I didn't know I'd find her here, but she was exactly who I needed.

I had heard horror stories about roommates. About the fights over space and the tension caused from dissimilar interests. I didn't think I could be lucky enough to have a roommate, who, despite our opposing natures, would become one of my best friends. The one who I could stay up all night talking to, giggling, and crying. The one who I could ask silly questions about life without embarrassment, have water fights with, and have midnight Denny's trips with "just because". She was what I had hoped for and what I had wanted.

I didn't expect to live on a floor filled with vibrant girls, who I can be silly and crazy with and know I still fit in.

This is where it gets complicated. When expectations change and turn into other expectations. Just when I thought everything was fine, I didn't expect it to change. After I grew close to people, I didn't expect them to leave me. And, with that, I didn't expect to miss them as much as I do. Mostly, I didn't think I'd survive without them, or that we'd still be as close as we are. But, life is ever changing. That's the only promise I can make myself, is that nothing will stay the same. I'm okay with that, too. It just means I'll have more opportunities to meet new people and have new adventures.


I didn't expect to be happy. Or to succeed in my classes. I didn't think I'd do anything other than study. Who knew that I'd question who I am and what I want to become? I honestly thought I'd DIE in traditional housing, but I love it. I never could have imagined myself using public shower stalls and running down the halls in a robe and flip flops every day. I wasn't expecting my first kiss or my first broken heart. I didn't think my testimony and faith would grow. I didn't expect to change.

So, what did I expect? I can't remember anymore, but I realize everyday how this is so much better than I ever would have planned. So, life might not ever turn how how we wanted, how we planned. But, I'm learning that usually, if we just let go, it turns out better better than expected. Much better.

It's been an amazing experience.