It's 11:09 at night. It's not late, but a year ago I would have been dying if I were still up at this hour doing homework. I can hear voices in the hall, they're laughing and talking despite the fact that it's quiet hours. Cars are passing outside my window, the flag is blowing in the wind, and the darkness of the night is almost beckoning me to go outside and escape. But instead I sit here at my desk. The same place I've been almost all day today writing the English paper I put off until the last minute. I'll sit here until it's done, which might not be until it's time to go to math at 8 tomorrow morning. But, I'm okay with that. It's worth it, isn't it?
I get nostalgic very easily, and I hate change. Everything in my life changed last August when I packed up my life and moved from Payson to Cedar City. I remember crying from the second my dad pulled out of my drive way and not stopping for days. Everything made me sad, made me miss home, made me feel alone and unloved. I hated it here. I hated Juniper Hall and the happy people on my floor who had embraced college life. I hated everything about my situation, and in my head it would never improve.
***
Okay, that was a week ago when I started writing this blog. It's that end of the year blog that every college student will write as they pack up their belongings and head home for the summer, so why should I write it? Maybe because I'm a writer, and I have to. Or, maybe it's because I've changed so much since I've been here that I can't help but document it. Whatever the reasons, I'm still up at 2:20 a.m. writing a blog that possibly no one will read nor care about.
I entered my room here 253 days ago. I was sobbing as I unpacked every element of my home life and tried to make it fit into my tiny white room here. After a while my room wasn't so "white" anymore. I covered my walls and my wardrobe with photographs and mementos. I had colored lights all around the room, Hello Kitty everywhere, and before I knew it, my room reflected me. Some days were hard, and I still cried myself longing to go home and stay with my family, other times my vibrant room reflected happy moments and halcyon days. In only a few hours, I'll take everything out in boxes and bags and try to go back to the life I used to love. Once again, I'll be sobbing.
How strange it is that this year will end just has it began, with tears. The goodbyes I'll say will be different, in some ways more difficult. Some of these people I'll never see again, others I won't see for a few years, and some the few months apart will seem like an eternity. I'm honestly afraid to say goodbye. I know there's so much I should have said to these people, so many times I should have set my homework aside and just talked. There are so many people that I didn't get to know this year, so many I could have known better. Eight months ago, I could have left not knowing what I would be missing, I could have left content with my fear and inability to survive on my own. But now, now I know exactly why I had to stay. And, it's not because I was told that I had to. It's not because my parents would have been disappointed. It's not because of my pride. It's because it was right for me to stay, it's what I was supposed to do.
Maybe I didn't help all of the people I was supposed to, and maybe I didn't exactly live the life and learn the things intended. But, I gave it a try, my best try. I dedicated my life to learning both in classrooms and in my dorm. I learned to trust in those around me, and let them trust me. I learned what it's like to love people like a family who I've only known for a few weeks. But, most importantly, I learned what it's like to have the greatest friends. Those who were there for me 24/7 when the only thing wrong was that there was nothing wrong, but I just wanted to be held. Thanks for letting me drip water on your Under Armor at Denny's because my heart had been broken for the first time. Thanks for asking me to b your roommate when you didn't even know me, but knew that I wasn't happy in my current situation. Thanks for convincing me that I had to stay here, even though it seems horrible. Thanks for coming to Cedar with me and taking a chance on our friendship even though everyone said we were too different. Thanks for letting me sleep in your room when I just didn't want to be alone at night. Thanks for promising you'd come to see me and actually doing it. Thanks for dragging me out of my room and taking me on random adventures when I swore I wouldn't leave. Thanks for coming to my rescue in the middle of the night, even though you had work in a couple of hours. Thanks for . . . I could go on for ages. You know who you are.
I know that next year will never compare. It's not going to be the same, but that's okay. If my first year of college weren't so amazing, would I ever want to come back? Of course not. Although I'll wish certain people were still my neighbors, I'll make new friends and add to my giant family. I know some of my relationships will deteriorate as our paths change, but some will only continue to develop.
So, here's to 2 a.m. Denny's trips. Sneaking friends out of Juni after hours. Staying up all night giggling with roommates. First kisses and relationships. Mooning the moon. Running down the hall in a towel. Microfridges. Crying through chick flicks. Throwing pine cones at your RA's window. Dealing with freezing cold rooms one night and burning hot the next. People giggling in the hall keeping you up all night, and then you doing the same two nights later. Homesickness, and ultimately embracing the concept of being dormsick.
But, most of all, here's to all of the people who helped me discover "Katie" this year. Thanks for not giving up on me and dragging me out of my room to embrace life. If it weren't for you, I'd be working at the Springville Wal-Mart with no friends, no life, no education and a lost opportunity to grow and learn so much.
I'll leave this room exactly how I found it, white and empty. I hope that the next girl to have this room struggles as much as I do. I hope she has good days and bad days, but I hope in the end she realizes that it was more than worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment