unsaid

sometimes, i think i hurt you just as much as you hurt me when i thought being older meant you were tough and you thought being little made me resilient and ignorant. i'm sorry.

there are days when i still want to sit on your office floor with my knees up to my chin and tell you everything, because you always knew exactly what to say. but, right now, i wish you were in my room sitting on my bed and letting me take care of you. for once.

i hadn't allowed myself to think about you being gone until we talked about it yesterday. i didn't want to think it would ever happen-- that we'd ever not be in the same town; that i wouldn't be able to see you, help you, laugh with you, at (almost) any time. you'll take a piece of my heart with you, but i want you to have it.

i know we haven't really talked in years, and that we're a lot different than we used to be, but i still feel connected to you. the fact that you care about what i have to say means so much. you're one of my few links to the me i left behind. thank you.

you are a comfort me just by existing. i hope this will always be true.

you really are one of my best friends, i just wish we would have realized it sooner. thanks for trusting me with your fragile, broken secret-- i've loved watching you become an even more amazing you over the past few months. we've got a crazy future ahead of us, luckily, we've got each other's backs.

a part of me wants to tell you i'm sorry even though i have nothing to be sorry for. i don't hate you, i don't owe you an explanation, i don't need you. that's the biggest: i don't need you. but i miss things about you. i miss us. i can't ask you to change, so i had to take myself away. someday, you'll see that we're both better now.

sometimes, i dream about you and the relationship we'll never have. you'll forget about me, but i'll probably always wonder about you. i miss you.

i wish you would trust me and let me in. 

it's not a game or a competition. i hate that you're only friends with me when you feel like you're winning. you are winning, and the jealous part of me hates you for it. but, there's just something that can't let me hate you. so i just keep playing.

you do it, too.

i think you're amazing and stronger than you will ever know. i've wanted to tell you that i'm here for you and help you in anything, but i don't know how. 

there are days when i think you tell me things just for attention. i'm not sure what's true anymore, but i love you anyway and i always will. 

even though i've never met you, i hate you for hurting her. 

i hope you're happy. really, i do. i also hope you know that i gave up long before anything changed. we were there when we needed each other, and then we moved on. that's how life works.

i hate that you only want to be friends with me when you think something's wrong. it hurts my feelings when you break our plans because i'm fine and someone else isn't. i'd tell you i was terrible every time i saw you if i thought we could have one of our ice-cream/movie nights. lately, i'd be telling you the truth.

thank you. thank you. thank you.