broken things

working in res life, we do a lot of personality assessments. i feel like this is one of very few professions where it's normal to hear statements like, "you're such an orange!" or "it's because you are a judger and he is a perceiver. . ." we use these tests to help us understand each other and how we work as teams, but mostly we just learn a lot about ourselves and, as one of our assistant directors said, what we perceive to be our super powers. at the end of the day, one thing always remains the same: no one sees the world the way i see it, and as much as i try to, i can't see things the way they do.

strengths quest is one of my favorite assessments to do with my student staff. i love the way they start to realize that the things that make them 'odd' are probably their greatest strengths. we do a lot of warm fuzzy stuff and a lot of reflection-- two of my favorite things-- to learn about ourselves and each other. when i was an ra i didn't think my strengths fit me or were even really strengths in combination. lately i've been seeing more and more of how they help me in my job and working to develop them. but i always run into problems with being 'restorative.'

restorative basically means that i like to solve problems, help people through issues, 'save' things. but to me it's always been more like, "hi, my name is katie and i love broken things." i choose fish that i know will die because i believe i can love them enough to keep them alive. if it's quirky, weird, different, and no one particularly likes it, i probably love it. i always picked the 'sad looking' stuffed animals as a kid. i keep things, even if they are cracked, torn, or stained. and there's that little thing i struggle with called loving broken people. i can't help it-- i just find them and i have to help them or take care of them. i have to save them, because if i don't, who will? it's a big part of why i work in res life.

so, it's no wonder that i'm trying so hard to fix a broken relationship.

it's no wonder that when he texted me friday night telling me he was too drunk to bike home and asked if he could stay with me i said yes. because to me, that meant i had a chance to fix things-- that maybe he was willing to try to fix things, too. it meant that things could be okay. but that wasn't what he meant and that isn't what's going to happen. we were, as he said 'just falling back to something comfortable' when i thought he was second-guessing his decisions. and the dinner plans we made tonight were not to talk about making things better, but rather to start building a friendship again.

not being able to fix, restore, save, take care of, love, or save something is the worst feeling and the reason why i struggle to see this as a strength. it doesn't make it any easier that my top strength is empathy. not being able to fix something and feeling the pain of someone you love on top of your own pain is overwhelming. because this time not only could i not fix it, i have to feel the pain of it breaking all over again.

so tonight, i'm trying to remind myself that i did everything i could to 'fix things.' that leaving this broken wasn't my choice. that some broken things just can't be repaired.