thoughts on ra-ing | rant

I feel like I have given up. Actually, I feel like I gave up a long time ago. 
I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at the thing I am best at-- the thing I love most. 
It really hurts me to think that I've failed this year. 
I don't fail and I don't give up. Ever. Especially on things/people I love.
This year was so much harder than last year.  I'm not saying that last year wasn't hard, but it was so much easier to love my girls last year. I wanted to be a part of their lives, but, in turn, they wanted to be a part of mine. This year, I feel like all I do is play police officer and babysitter every day. There isn't time for me to make strong connections and be a great RA--I'm too busy enforcing our community standards. 
A Co-ed floor was a fun challenge, but I am glad that I don't have to do it again next year. Everyone is right: I work better with girls.  
Oh, don't think I haven't made awesome connections, because I have. I have amazing residents who come and talk to me, who I missed terribly over Spring Break.
I have a few residents who remind me every day why I do this and why I love it. I do it for them, and right now, they are the only thing keeping me in this.
Since I've been rehired for next year and given an all-female floor, I can only think about all of the awesome things I'll be able to do for them. I don't even focus on this year anymore: I'm so motivated for next year.
I honestly don't think I'm going to cry that much when check-outs are all over. Last year, I didn't think I'd ever be okay after saying good-bye to everyone. 
I hate that everyone thinks I am so great at this especially when I feel like I am failing.  If I am doing so well, then I am genuinely concerned for the other floors. 
I've definitely seen both sides of this position now, but I still love it and want to stick to it. My rite of passage into RA life came a little late, but I know I can handle anything now.  
I want to do better, I want to be more motivated, plan programs, decorate our floor, and have relationships with every resident, but I can only give so much. With everything that has happened, I just feel like I'm wasting my time.  But, the first thing I learned this year is that programs aren't about the number of residents in attendance--I'm "punishing" all of my residents because of the actions of a select few.