outside looking in

I'm trying to figure out when life got this hard to balance. I'm getting really nostalgic about the first two years of my college experience. Life wasn't necessarily easy then, but that was before every life plan I had changed. I was going to be a writer then. A writer and a teacher. I wrote regularly-- I had characters that were promising and ideas that flooded my mind each day as I walked home. I wrote the first 50 pages of a novel in a semester and got an A in the class that, even in my sophomore year, I knew would be the most critical to my future. I was a writer then; it was an indelible part of my identity.


But now, everything has changed. Now, I am an RA first-- student second, writer somewhere down the list. And, I didn't realize it until a few moments ago, but I miss being a writer. I've always joked that when I became an RA I gave up my name and identity to do this well, but in the midst of my third year with the position, I'm starting to wonder if that's true. I'm such a different person than I thought I'd be. I'm happier, aren't I? I'm more out-going, more independent, unabashed, confident. But, now I'm starting to doubt. As graduate school apps and graduation paperwork both sit partially completed on my desk, I wonder if this is really the path I'm going to be happy in. Was I supposed to focus my energy on writing? Develop strong relationships with the English department instead of Housing? Was I, S. Katie Hill, supposed to begin writing the next great American novel while here at SUU? 


No. I was supposed to help mend broken hearts, challenge ideas, unclog vacuum cleaners, plan programs, make hall decs, and pursue a career in higher ed. Someday, I'm going to write about this experience and everything will have come full circle.


A few years ago, a professor I trust and admire, told me that I'd write later in my life, after I actually had the level of wisdom I write with. I didn't see it then, but now I think this is right. After 20+ years in student affairs, I'm going to have a lot of wisdom.