thinking over

I've been searching for a reason
And I'm running out of time
I can feel that it's the season
It's time to make up my mind

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
Thinking over the things. . .

Over Christmas break, the Dana Glover song "Thinking Over" was my constant soundtrack. These two beginning "stanzas" were specifically what seemed to scream at my heart. The rest of the song is quite deliberately a prayer regarding marriage and that kind of impending forever, but despite the literal meaning of the song, I can't stop listening to it and connecting it to my life. It's the kind of song that when I hear it I feel empowered to write, connected to myself and to the world, and lately, like it's something I've experienced but moved past. I chose a path, and even though it's only a week into it and I'm sure there are going to be a thousand moments in the next semester where I'm less than sure if this is what I want, right now it feels so perfect. 

I think I love that this song is a prayer most of all because even in the midst of trying to figure out my own spirituality, I've felt especially blessed with the opportunities I've been presented with. There have been many moments in the past few years where I've doubted whether or not a student affairs career path was what I was supposed to be doing. Yet, everything about the last few months of my life has began to make so much sense. Everything: every incident, tear, choice, and connection. I've been blessed with answers to prayers I haven't said. I feel like this position is God's confirmation that I'm on the right path. (Or, that God is letting me see for myself that this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I'm really doubting that. The happiness and joy that I am experiencing right now is too real and too deep in my heart to be false or the beginnings of being devastated). My levels of worry and fear are lowered daily by confirmations that not only can I do this, but that I'm supposed to do this. 

Just because I'm past the thinking over phase of this challenge, it doesn't mean that I'm not constantly thinking about what's next. Grad school is on hold for a year. The application deadlines have past; February 1 will come with no calls to set up interviews and visits. I will graduate in May and remain in the comforts of Cedar City and brace myself for the impending changes that await. I could never expect Cedar/SUU/Housing to stay the same just for me. But that's another blog for another day.