well, life's still sweet

i haven't written for a long time. not because i haven't had anything to say, but because i have had too much to say. a whirlwind of experiences and words, and feelings i can't explain to myself, so how could i write them? of course, this is exactly the time i should have been writing the most.

there's this paula cole song that says "i left bethlehem and i feel free/i left the girl i was supposed to be" and to be completely honest, that's exactly how i've been feeling. i'm not quite sure if who i am right now is who i've always been, or if that person doesn't exist anymore. all i know is that i feel different outside of utah. i'm not pretending anymore, or trying to impress people, or doing things for the sake of others opinions. i'm just katie and no one cares. this journey has been liberating and refreshing.

i fall asleep exhausted and wake up exhausted the next day. i've slept through my alarm twice in the last week. this morning, sleeping through it caused me to submit my duty report an hour late which is a huge no-no. moreover, a late duty report is the closest form of public humiliation that takes place in res life. everyone in the department sees it and knows. i'm sure there were plenty of people who took pleasure in my small failure this morning. i feel like i'm being worked to the bone seven days a week as we prepare for closing, last night's area banquet, and res college ca orientations. i'm gaining weight-- after i lost weight and was finally starting to like my body again-- because i'm stressed and too tired/lazy to cook at night. i ache for a cat-- it sounds so silly, but i really wish i could have a pet to come home to and love. i need something to take care of outside of my work. and i'm homesick, oh-so homesick for suu right now. i know it isn't true, but in my mind everything is simpler and easier there (but how could i go back after experiencing this crazy res life experience?) but despite all of these factors, i'm so happy. in fact, i don't really remember the last time i felt this way about life. i can't picture myself leaving, or even wanting to leave.

tomorrow i will write more. it's been a full day and i'm ready to sleep. i'm going to be in the office by 8:00 tomorrow even it it means that my hair's not done. really though.