6 months in

next week will mark my 6 month "anniversary" at asu. in ways, these past months have gone by too quickly, but in other regard they have dragged on. in complete honesty, it's been quite a painful journey to get to this marker. i've had probably six moments of weakness where i wanted to pack up and leave, and i've missed suu and my staff there about six times a day. in the past six months i've moved three times--each to a better apartment. i'm settling into my third apartment, finally living in the community i work in. this apartment is lovely-- with a huge living room/kitchen/dining area, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, washer/dryer, and dishwasher. quite simply, it's more than i deserve and i should be so happy about everything.

this summer has been anything but the relaxing and energizing summer i had been looking forward too. life here is just fast-paced and chaotic. i guess this supposed "off season" is anything but that. i should have known after working with conferencing and planning training last summer that this summer would only be worse at a school this size. the list of things i want to do for work this summer is hidden away and the list of things i need to do has very few checkmarks and the days are slipping away.

but really what's on my heart is exactly what i want to do with my life. my levels of ambition, motivation, and passion have dwindled down to nothing in the past few weeks. i hit a low this week that matches only few in my life. i used to be excited about residence life as a career. i couldn't wait to get my masters degree in higher education. i wanted to be on the fast track to becoming a director and ultimately a vice president of student services. i think i still want those things, but maybe i don't. maybe this was the path i chose because it was what i knew. i mean, i wanted to be an english teacher because i knew i loved writing, reading, and people-- but honestly, i didn't really know what else i would ever do, and people always said i'd make a good teacher. i feel like the two paths i've chosen have been out of familiarity and comfort.

working in res life is a calling of sorts: it's not for everyone. though anyone could do the nuts and bolts of the "work" not everyone can do heart wrenching, passion-driven parts that make it work. more importantly, not everyone can make it at asu. i've thought a lot about what it means to "make it" here, and i'm not sure i'm the right type of person to more than survive. today, i didn't get out of bed until 4:00 pm, took two hours just to shower and get dressed before walking across the street to buy something for dinner. at 10:00 pm, i finally gathered enough motivation to put sheets on my bed (yes, i've slept on a mattress pad with a blanket for the past week). this isn't like me. my new apartment is unsettled with piles and boxes everywhere: i don't know where anything i need is. the deal i made myself today was if i accomplished the check-list of settling, unfinished work items, and other tasks, i could tomorrow go buy my 6-month-celebratory of an ipad a week early. i promised myself last night that i'd wake up and be okay, ready to go, and get the things done i need to. obviously that hasn't happened. at nearly 11:00 at night, i feel a little more ready to take on the world. this motivation is fleeting, so when i felt the urge to hang up laundry from monday and begin organizing my bathroom cabinets, i had to take it. tomorrow's reward list might be a little less demanding: how about get up at a decent hour, shower, do hair and make-up, settle one space before noon, go shopping. that might be doable.

the only thing i can pinpoint triggering my lack of passion for anything in life is my job. i want to love it. i want to love the craziness of asu. i want to start my grad program and certificate in the fall and add to the craziness. i want to be someone who makes it here, leaves to a stellar job leaps and bounds above my peers, and ultimately fulfills all my goals. but my heart is telling me no. my heart wants to go home, it wants to try its hand at teaching still. my heart, secretly, wants to settle down with a husband and have a family despite every life-long dream of being a career woman.

so, if you are reading this and you wake up daily at 6:00 am to go running, work all day, go home to cook dinner, live in a tidy home, and survive on less than 14 hours of sleep a day, please package some of your energy/motivation and send it to me in tempe. this girl's gotta snap out of this.