not your year

my life's soundtrack will forever be the weepies.

tonight, as i sat down to write this blog, pandora decided to echo the song of my heart for the moment. it was all i could do to not start crying as i listened to the lyrics i've heard hundreds upon hundreds of times in the past few years. my favorite lyric, "paint a heart repeating, beating, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up" has gotten me through some of my hardest days.

six months ago today i moved to tempe. scared and excited, i was ready to start this new adventure. new staff arrived today, they, much like me just a few months ago, have little understanding as to what they are getting themselves into. they are excited, and they should be. but, as in all things, we are welcoming new staff because we are saying goodbye to others. and i feel strangely sad and stuck in the middle of this phenomenon.

today i gave up my "new" status. i am now expected to know my job, be an example, a resource, and a leader. i'm excited to not be the new girl anymore. i'm excited for people to stop treating me like i'm new and like i know nothing. yet, there is a bittersweet feeling with it as well. as if i'm past the beginning of this journey and the days ahead will be the middle, benign, mundane days of life.

watching friends and coworkers pack up and leave over the past few weeks has been hard. how, in six months could i get so attached to these people that despite my excitement for their bigger and better adventures, there's a pang in my heart to say goodbye (probably forever)? yet, moreover, i think it hurts because i know that i am supposed to stay here for a while longer. it's not my time to pack up and leave like it is theirs.

so, i'm here in the middle of this adventure. it's not the exciting beginning or the bittersweet end. i guess i'm at the point where this is just my life. so, i'm not giving up on this place just yet. 365 days from monday is the absolute earliest i will leave asu.

maybe this "isn't my year," but then again, maybe it is.