brake

days like today are the only time when i'm glad that i am nearing 26 and still don't have a divers license.    not being able to drive has really changed my perception of what 'fight or flight' means in modern society. i don't get the opportunity to run away-- i always have to stay and fight. i woke up immediately wishing i could get into a car and drive 13 hours home to be with my family and away from everything stressful and hurting here in arizona. southwest.com boasts two more flights out of phoenix into salt lake today for a mere $300 a pop. sadly, this is only a few dollars more than a one-way booked weeks in advance. but, where's the thrill in running away if you have to ask for a ride to the airport? 

so, instead i'm sitting on my bed at 12:15 pm still half-dressed in yesterday's clothes. i have a cup of hot coffee on my nightstand and i'm munching on a banana nut granola bar. ingrid michaelson is all too accurately singing about my life and it's both calming me and making me feel more panicked at the same time. i have a week's worth of vacation laundry, a sink full of dirty coffee mugs, and a not-touched graduate school app. i just can't convince myself to move to accomplish anything.

today is going to be a good day as soon as it begins. i have plans to go to the pool and get dinner with friends. i have a new book on my ipad and a new package of peanut butter oreos. running away wouldn't do any good; the things upsetting me are in my heart. they'd all follow me to utah where, in tears, i'd have to deal with them just like i need to deal with them here. i need to stop bracing for an out-come that i'm not sure of yet. i need to stop thinking about how i thought everything would be perfect this upcoming year-- because i finally have what i want in my job, in my personal life, in my education--only to see it all fall apart in a matter of weeks. this always happens and i should have learned by now not to ever think that anything couldn't be any better because it always gets worse. 

i say i'm a strong, independent woman-- it's time to start living like one.