write words

Today I remembered something: I can write. Moreover, I like to write. It's funny that I'm remembering this a week before graduation since I've supposedly spent the last five years of my life developing this writing skill and becoming a "writer." I haven't written anything in months and I want to. I want to ramble and create characters and write poems about memories I don't have. I think that's what I need. 

Graduation announcements are out. And, people either think it's a big deal or they are unimpressed. My family thinks it's a big deal. I'm one of few people on both sides of my family to graduate with a bachelor's degree. I'll be one of even fewer with a masters. I'm promising myself that I'll go to graduate school, because sometimes I have this haunting feeling that I'm going to be here in Cedar City for a while. It terrifies me and I feel so empty and alone thinking about staying here when everything, scratch that, everyone, I love about this place is moving on. I am still trying to understand why I'm supposed to stay here. I thought it was because I was comfortable, stable, and loved here, but I'm finding more each day that those things are only partially true. I don't have life plans anymore. I'm one of those people I swore I wouldn't be-- someone staying at SUU to work after graduation. "Pigeon-holed." Stuck.

I chose this. I want this. I love this. And I'm not just saying that-- it's true. This is just not what I would have ever planned. But as lonely as I get in this little apartment (even though there are approximately 150 people in the building), it's home and it feels right. And, even as everyone leaves in the next week and everything about my life changes, I know that my heart told me to stay here, so that's what I'm doing. It's going to take a lot of writing and a lot of scrapbooking, but I'm going to find myself again.

I've learned to trust my heart and feel for those around me. I've learned that writing helps me cope-- and in my moments where I'm putting the pieces of my heart back together, writing about each one strengthens the bond before the next break. Everything will work out. And I'll be happy. I can't wait to look back at this and write about it.