this fire

today was rough, but i survived.

last night, i couldn't sleep and i kept thinking about the paula cole song "throwing stones." i hadn't heard that song in over ten years, but i wanted to listen to it so badly-- and the whole album this fire. this wouldn't be random for me, except for the fact that i hated that cassette tape when i was little. my mom would play it in the car and the angsty, hurt, and sometimes vulgar music upset me. "throwing stones" was the worst (i'd link you to it, but i doubt that the majority of my readers would find the song "appropriate"), but last night, in all of my doubt and worry, that was the song that comforted me. i bought the album on my iphone and only a few songs in, my tears subsided and i was able to fall asleep.

i've been thinking a lot about the way that i understand the music i didn't get in the 90s. there was a moment a few months ago, when shawn colvin's "sunny came home" came on and i went, "ohhh, i get it." the next song was sarah mclachlan's "good enough" and again, i realized that i get it now. these songs, that even though i've loved them for years, suddenly have new meaning-- as i can so clearly see the underlying message. it was one of those epiphanic moments where i realized, again, that my salad days are over. part of me still wishes that i wouldn't understand, but i guess it comes with living and growing and witnessing so much pain in people i love.

i was sitting on my bathroom counter in my apartment putting make up on when this happened. i remember just staring at myself, half expecting that i'd look different after this realization, but of course, like all moments-- i didn't really look or necessarily feel any different. last night was a similar situation, i kept thinking about the 10-year-old me hating paula cole and begging my mother to turn in off in the car. i wonder if the songs made her feel what i feel now? if she loved it because she felt it, because she related, and ached. that realization, however, did change me.

check out "me." it's pretty much my favorite song right now.
"I Am Walking On The Bridge 
I Am Over The Water 
And I'm Scared As Hell"