summer

today i felt like my childhood self on the first day of summer after long months of schoolwork. campus is quiet and empty. we've checked out all but a handful of residents who are waiting to move to their summer rooms. i love that i've seen hummingbirds and butterflies on my walks to and from work when i usually only see the too-social pigeons and vocal desert birds. i walked across campus today without fear of a skateboard hitting my ankles and without worry that i would be involved in a bicycle-pedestrian crash. in a few weeks, this quiet is going to get old and i'm going to want the residents back. i already want the ca staff back as i accomplished much to much today without their silly interruptions.

i think i'm still having a hard time realizing that this is my life. there are days when i wake up and i think i'm still in my apartment in cedar city. i have this disconnect in myself in so wanting to be back there and understanding that i've changed too much in the past few months to be happy there. lately i've been wondering if i could ever go back, even though that's what i thought i wanted someday. but what really has me tied up inside is that it is not even close to being perfect here. honestly, nothing is what i expected and there are things that make me so upset and angry. yet, i don't want to leave. even with everyone prodding me with 'we thought you would have packed up and left by now' and similar comments, i just want to stay. i want to be here because maybe i am the one person who can make things better. i know it's silly, but it really only does take one person to make a difference.

i'm starting that change this summer. i've been here a semester. i'm not the new girl anymore. i got this.