newness

i hate being new. because new automatically means "incapable."
it means that my experiences, or lack of experiences, don't equate knowledge and preparedness.
it means that people assume that i can't do things before they ask.
decisions are made on my behalf when i really want the power to choose.
being new means working ten times harder than everyone else to try to "catch up."
blame is both easily placed and accepted because "i'm new and i don't know better," even when it's not my fault.
it means always taking things personally.
it means simultaneously being coddled and treated like i've been here my whole life.

and today it meant feeling completely inadequate.

tonight was supposed be my first night on duty by myself. after a week of telling myself i wasn't ready for this, i really just needed someone to give me that verification that i could. instead, a situation came up this evening that my supervisor and co didn't think i could handle and the decision was made that i would trade my co duty days and she would cover tonight. i hated feeling like every worry i had was valid. yes, i would have been scared but i would have done it and been just fine.

so, first day of duty is now tomorrow. and even though i didn't cry and didn't ask, i really just want to know: if you don't think i can do this, then why am here?